I lay on the bed and felt this weird rush of fear. It knocked real loud before it entered. I held onto my heart for a long time. This has happened before.
Going through the course of day, I could find nothing, absolutely nothing that the fear/ anxiety could stem from. I am trying to remember every counselling lesson and thinking what memory got invigorated… found nothing…start the day rushing packing lunches, getting my munchkins ready for school, rushing to school.. you see the ‘rushing’ … you can’t help it some days.
It’s a conscious choice to self-regulate rested peace.. so I dressed out of mission attire to natural self and stayed there thanking this body for its support.
This day was the day that I had consciously, cooked in peace, cleaned in purpose, wrote with passion, studied with attention and talked with kindness incorporating smiles in my day. I looked at my children’s faces..trying to look deep with presence. I still didn’t know of the stream of fear. Is it the future that chases worries?…Well, in dream, you let it all go.. so if it lurks in future, who could say.
This morning, as I reanalysed and realised – He has knocked before…. a long drilled pain of not ‘doing enough’, of ‘being enough’. Every now and then without fail it still knocks. I want to flung it open and say a big “YES” … I can count those days. Standard for self are too high. Yet, Inside I resolved on rested travel through life… presence in life, presence in raising and time for trance.
Growth and groundedness are in a gruelling battle. Purpose – they both want, to find and keep. One struggles without the other and balance amongst them is so delicate.
I like to breath with presence and feel the luxury of not racing yet some days I also like to run and feel thumps of heart and prove a point. I choose roots most days, I realised. The wings are too flashy… they bring out -pride…They take humility away.
It’s a tightrope that I walk… of living within the mind or the whole, that is inside. It’s a hole – this whole. You have to try it. You find it in presence and reverence and nature and love of only giving.
So, This battle of growth+ expansion or humility + purpose (rested and assured).. which would you choose? Why should we choose? Can we find a balance of both: to thrive in the world and to envision that which is beyond and yet inside…
I think I found an answer, as I manifest that life, where dreams are realised… am I the person that I realised too. I can control being the person. I can walk towards that person everyday.
Knowing, fear.. I know, it will visit again and knock loud. When it does, I need to knock on its shoulder, share the epiphany and sent him back saying ‘You are heard,’ wisdom.